His Blood

"He personally carried our sins in his body on the cross so that we can be dead to sin and live for what is right. By his wounds you are healed." 1 Peter 2:24


But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed." Isaiah 53:5


Be still and know, dear friend, that His wounds became your healing.

40 I AMs

We are in the middle of a series at my church called "Stuck." My pastor was talking about how sometimes we allow negative influences to impact our perspectives of what we believe about ourselves, and ultimately what we believe about God. He went on to suggest reading the "40 I Am's" that are written throughout Scripture and confess (acknowledge, declare one's belief or faith in) them. Declaring the "40 I AMs" on a daily will help you to see yourself the way God sees you. When you begin to see yourself from God’s perspective, the opinions of others don’t alter the reality who you are in Him.

You are who God says you are all because of Jesus Christ.


1. A Child of God. Romans 8:16
2. Redeemed from the Hand of the Enemy. Psalms 107:2
3. Forgiven. Colossians 1:13-14
4. Saved by Grace through Faith. Ephesians 2:8
5. Justified. Romans 5:1
6. Sanctified. 1 Corinthians 1:2
7. A New Creature. 2 Corinthians 5:17
8. Partaker of His Divine Nature. 2 Peter 1:4
9. Redeemed from the Curse of the Law. Galatians 3:13
10. Delivered from the Powers of Darkness. Colossians 1:13
11. Led by the Spirit of God. Romans 8:14
12. A Son of God. Romans 8:14
13. Kept in Safety wherever I go. Psalms 91:11
14. Getting all my needs met by Jesus. Philippians 4:19
15. Casting all my cares on Jesus. 1 Peter 5:7
16. Strong in the Lord and in the Power of His might. Ephesians 6:10
17. Doing all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13
18. An heir of God and a Joint heir with Jesus. Romans 8:17
19. An heir to the blessing of Abraham. Galatians 3:13-14
20. Observing and doing the Lord’s Commandments. Deuteronomy 28:12
21. Blessed coming in and blessed going out. Deuteronomy 28:6
22. An heir of eternal life. 1 John 5:11-12
23. Blessed with all spiritual blessings. Ephesians 1:3
24. Healed by His stripes. 1 Peter 2:24
25. Exercising my authority over the enemy. Luke 10:19
26. Above only and not beneath. Deuteronomy 28:13
27. More than a conqueror. Romans 8:37
28. Establishing God’s Word here on Earth. Matthew 16:19
29. An over comer by the blood of the Lamb and the Word of my testimony. Revelation 12:11
30. Daily overcoming the devil. 1 John 4:4
31. Not moved by what I see. 2 Corinthians 4:18
32. Walking by Faith and not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7
33. Casting down vain imaginations. 2 Corinthians 10:4-5
34. Bringing every thought into captivity. 2 Corinthians 10:5
35. Being transformed by renewing my mind. Romans 12:1-2
36. A laborer together with God. 1 Corinthians 3:9
37. The righteousness of God in Christ. 2 Corinthians 5:21
38. An imitator of Jesus. Ephesians 5:1
39. The light of the World. Matthew 5:14
40. Blessing the Lord at all times and continually praising Him with my mouth. Psalms 34:1

Knowing God

Take Heart - Hillsong United - Lyrics [HD]

This is an incredible song that just speaks to my heart and encourages my spirit. The lyrics are amazing!

A Love Like No Other...

em·pa·thy  [em-puh-thee] noun 1.the identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.


Recently, I had to share some news with one of my sweet boys that I knew was going to be tough for him to hear. Now before you think that I am being dramatic for the sake of this post, let me clarify that this was not petty news that might typically disappoint a child causing momentary tears that are soon forgotten by a distraction. This was news that was going to hurt his heart. Of course, being his mother and knowing that I would be the bearer of bad news to my son, pierced my heart no-less than if I had an actual knife sticking straight though me. I felt the heaviness of the situation even before I had to speak the words that I knew would bring hurt to this child that is so precious to me.

The moment of truth arrived. I don't use that phrase that flippantly--it was really a moment of truth...this was nothing that I could tip-toe around or "sand which" with positive comments. It was just a moment when all I could do was state truth and the reality of the situation. His reaction was everything that I anticipated it to be, and as, honestly, it should have been. It was sad. It was disappointing. It was hurtful. He had every right to feel the way he did...

As he cried... I’m certain my heart broke more with every tear he shed. There was nothing that I could do but simply comfort my child. I just sat and rubbed his back as his tears fell down his round cheeks. There was nothing that I could have said to make it better, there was nothing I could do to erase his disappointment, I could not change the situation. I'm pretty sure it was one of the saddest moments since I have become a mother: because there was little, if nothing I could do to shield my child from these inevitable wounds...all I could do is to be there in the aftermath to try to salve his wounds. Comfort the pain that I could not protect him from.

All truth be told, it was a moment in our lives where depravity reared, struck and injured my child. I'm probably like any other parent out there, and got caught up in blaming myself, wondering the question, "Is this my fault? Did I somehow cause this to happen to my child?” The Lord so boldly answered that question for me with a firm, "No.” And instead, had a moment of truth with me reminding me that the root of all of this was because of a very corrupt world filled with sin that burns like wildfire leaving ashes in it's ruin: total depravity at work.

I have thought so deeply about this over the past few weeks, and the other night the Holy Spirit began to speak into the situation and began to give me a word that has stretched my understanding of the eminence love God has for us. The word that kept popping into my heart was: Empathy.

As God continued to stir my spirit and work through my emotion, I realized that God was opening my eyes just a little bit further to the magnitude of Who He is. He was using the pain and love that I felt as a mother to show me on a much, much greater scale of His infinite love for us, and our ultimate rescue from the brokenness of this life.

Because we are born into sin, we habitually chose to bring troubles and heartache on to ourselves by our own corrupt choices. But then there are also times that we are caught in the cross hairs of evil, much like my sweet boy who did nothing to deserve the wounds inflicted...we might not have done anything to cause some of the wounds we suffer, but non-the-less we bear the scars.

We can, just like I did with myself, get caught up in a cycle of blame...maybe even placing it on God, Himself. "This is God’s fault. Why didn't He stop this?" But I am so confident that in our wrestling with sorrow, we forget that His heart is aching right along with ours...just as mine was hurting for my child's. I know watching my son hurt was heart wrenching for me, and I would have traded places with him and felt all that pain so he wouldn't have to suffer. If I could have I would have rescued him in a heartbeat.

Do you see, sweet friend, that is just what God did through Jesus Christ. God rescued us in a heartbeat...the heartbeat of His Son. He sent Jesus to trade places with us so we would not have to suffer.

“For God loved the world so much that He gave His one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him with not perish but have eternal life. God sent His Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through Him.” (John 3:16-17)

God’s Son, His Child, who knew no blame, no sin, no fault, took the injustices of this world so that as we experience the temporary pain and brokenness of this world, we can know Hope. Because of Jesus, Hebrews 4:16 tells us that we can, “…come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.” Because of God’s love for us, the wounds that come because of sin, do not have to fester and infect. They can be healed.

“…it was our weaknesses He carried; it was our sorrows that weighed Him down...He was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. He was beaten so that we could be whole. He was whipped so that we could be healed.” (Isaiah 53:4, 5).

God knew that because sin entered this world, we would experience many troubles and unavoidable hurts. And when depravity rises, strikes and wounds us...God hurts with us, grieves with us, comforts us, mourns with us...all while whispering His perfect comfort, his perfect peace, perfect hope.

When my sweet boy was hurting, like I said before, all I could offer him was comfort…which is the same thing God offers us in our sorrows. But He actually doesn’t stop there—He gives us what only He can offer: victory through Him.

Be still and know, dear friend, “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in Me. Here in earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

Lovely

More than I would care to admit, I battle with a poor self-image. It is so easy for me to get caught up in a cycle of comparison of friends, unrealistic media images, and hurtful words that have been spoken into my life that never seem to fade away. I really doubt that I am alone in these feelings... And if you have ever mentioned it to anyone, I am also sure I am also not the only one who has heard this phrase,

“You should not feel ugly because God made you, and He doesn’t make mistakes, right?”

While that does make sense to me, but doesn’t change this hurting place in me that feels that I am, somehow, unacceptable. And if God doesn't make mistakes, and the opposite of a mistake is perfection, why do I feel very far from perfect? Since the new year, I have become serious in prayer, surrendering this area of my life seeking God's touch. I need a break in this lopsided perspective…because I don’t want to wrestle with insecurity, and more so, I know this is a strong hold that does nothing but inhibit what God desires from me. I deeply want to be a woman that is determined to constantly reflect Jesus versus being worried and intimidated about what people think of me. My heart cries to the Lord: "Less of me, more of YOU."

Because God is my Healer of all brokenness, never turning a deaf ear to my sorrows, fulfilling the promise written of Psalm 37:4, He shined a light on this dark area in my heart though His Holy Words:

"I am dark, yet I am lovely..." Song of Solomon 1:5

Even typing this verse I feel the Holy Spirit profoundly moving, ministering and healing my heart. Without mincing words, here is the reality and truth for me: I do have flaws. Not because God made mistakes in creating me, but because man made a mistake that resulted in the introduction of sin. Total depravity infected what God created perfect...I'm not just talking about creation, but I am talking about me. Because I am human and born into a broken world, sin has made me dark in physical ways and spiritually. Let me try to explain:

Because of sin, I have wounds that have formed ugly scars on my body and on my heart that make me dark.
Because of my sin, instead of always striving to be more like Jesus, I get caught up in comparing myself to others...casting in a shadow of darkness on my countenance but also in my spirit.
Because of sin, I have struggled with eating issues that altered God's perfect design for my physical body (being almost 100-pounds overweight), but also affected my spiritual life (because upon close examination, I realized I had elevated my desire for food over my desire for Christ. Yikes.)
I could go on and on…

So, yes--when I look in the mirror I do see flaws, imperfections, mistakes.

But here is an even bigger reality and a bigger Truth that God spoke into my spirit recently:

When God looks at me though the lens of Jesus Christ dying for all of those sins I typed above….my sins…He does not see my darkness. He sees me as lovely.

So reread Song of Solomon one more time:

"I am dark, YET I am lovely..." Song of Solomon 1:5

Because of Jesus: I. Am. Lovely.

Lovely because Christ loves me.
Lovely because when I smile, I have the joy of the Lord.
Lovely because what Satan intended to darken my face with shame, God uses to make my countenance shine.
Lovely because when you look in my eyes, prayerfully you see the Hope and Peace that comes from God, Himself.
Lovely because He is in my heart as I am His…
Lovely because of Jesus.

Be Still and Know that because of Jesus, you can see yourself the same way God sees you, sweet friend: lovely.

Leaving My Egypt-Month 2!

"But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely."--Galatians 5:21-23


I wish there were a way that you could step into my life for a moment and experience the incredible change that continues to rock my world. As God works to refine this area of my life, He has opened my eyes to how crushing this sin was to me. I really had no idea how suffocating the box I had put myself into because I was not living as God intended. Looking back even to my first post about my struggle, I am amazed at the freedom I experience now...the peace...and the joy! I am reminded of one of my favorite verses that totally embodies what I wish describe what God has done in my heart:

"...We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that He has already thrown open His door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise."--Romans 5:1 (MSG)

Doesn't that verse just paint a beautiful picture of freedom? It stands in such a stark contrast to the verse that I identified with as I began this journey...and as I reread it, I am just overwhelmed with gratitude that Jesus is leading me further and further away from these burdens I could not stand under:

"It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: ...a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; ...paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on..." --Galatians 5:19-20

I know you must be thinking that I am being a bit dramatic about over-eating, right? But, do you see that it wasn't the food that was the sin, which led to the life described in Galatian 5:19...it was the fact that I had put food before Christ in my life. That, of course, is the sin! So, being dramatic about food--no. Being serious about sin--YES!

"...Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet." --James 4:7 (MSG)

And true to His promises, Jesus is helping me "get on my feet!" People keep asking me what program I am following, or what my plan is...truthfully, I am praying every morning that God will just continue to help me make the right choices, and to honor Him above everything in my life. And He is! I am so excited to tell you that as of today I have lost (through God's grace!):

41 pounds!


I have never been able to lose this much before on any quest to lose weight. I have never lasted on a "diet" this long. I think it just affirms God's work in my life, and like what Galatians 5:21-23 promises God is giving to me as a gift: exuberance about life, serenity...a willingness to stick with things...a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people...loyal commitments, not needing to force this way of eating, able to marshal and direct my energies wisely.

I'm thankful.



"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it..." --Romans 12:1-2

Be Still and Know...God's Word is true, His promises are true, and in His Freedom we LIVE, precious friends.

Leaving My Egypt-Week 6!

"This is what the Lord says:
“Don’t let the wise boast in their wisdom,
or the powerful boast in their power,
or the rich boast in their riches.
But those who wish to boast
should boast in this alone:
that they truly know me and understand that I am the Lord
who demonstrates unfailing love
and who brings justice and righteousness to the earth,
and that I delight in these things.
I, the Lord, have spoken!"
--Jeremiah 9:23-24


I am wrapping up 6 weeks of battling an ugly sin that reared it's head in my life. If you are interested (or really bored!) in reading the whole story, you can start here
and then continue to read how God continues to refine and heal me as I get serious about sin here and here.

At the risk of sounding repetitive (okay, I am!), God continues to blow my mind every time I step on the scale and see the numbers decreasing. It is crazy-hard to try and wrap my brain around the fact that I put food in place of my Savior, and not only does He forgive me, and comes to my rescue in this battle...but he blesses me on top of everything! Every time I step on the scale, I truly feel incredibly humbled and undeserving...and mostly overwhelmed with gratitude that God loves me even in my betrayal to Him and His place in my life.

One of the biggest things I have learned over these past few weeks as God draws me closer to Him, is that I chose this sin. I liked it....loved it, in fact. But Satan takes these little "cherished" sins that we maintain (choose to keep, or not acknowledge) in our life...sins that we think that we can control...sins that we think we can choose to "stop anytime we want"...the fact for me is that I realized I was not in control of it at all. It controlled me! I was, in fact, a slave to this sin. Praise the Lord, no kidding, that He is leading me out of this grip that sin has on my life! I love Deuteronomy 7:7-9 and how it speaks into my life (my inserts):


"God wasn't attracted to [me] and didn't choose [me] because [I was] big and important—the fact is, there was almost nothing to [me]. He did it out of sheer love, keeping the promise he made to [me]... God stepped in and mightily bought [me] back out of that world of slavery, freed [me] from the iron grip of Pharaoh king of Egypt. Know this: God, [my] God, is God indeed, a God [I] can depend upon. He keeps his covenant of loyal love with those who love him and observe his commandments..."


Just even typing that verse encourages my heart! And I am excited to share that as of this morning, I have lost 29 pounds! (Editors note: In my mind, I picture confetti and balloons falling from the ceiling!). I am excited about what God is doing in my life! I will tell you it is ALL God's workmanship. As the weight continues to come off, there have been some sweet friends that have noticed the subtle changes...and truthfully, I love to hear the encouragement! But I also have to stand guard that I do not, for one moment, boast on my own accord--because then I am not honoring God. I am working to honor God with my eating...and what I am not eating...but I also have to ensure that I honor God and give Him all of His glory.

"We have heard of Moab's pride—
her overweening pride and conceit,
her pride and her insolence—
but her boasts are empty."
--Isaiah 16:6-7


"My soul will boast in the LORD; let the afflicted hear and rejoice."--Psalm 34:2

Be Still and Know...even when we choose to seek anything other than the Lord first in our lives, He STILL seeks and redeems us.

Leaving My Egypt-Month 1!

Okay, so I wrapped up a full month of eating for God. On a side note, I refuse to call what I am doing dieting. Refuse. When we diet, the goal is to lose weight.... In my case, that is not my goal (but a sweet blessing!), my desire is to honor and worship God by how and what I eat.

I will just tell you that this has been an amazing experience for me. The ravenous cravings are gone, and lack of control is healing. God is doing a miraculous work in me, and I cannot help but think of a Psalms that David wrote:


“O Lord,” I prayed, “have mercy on me. Heal me, for I have sinned against you.” Psalm 41:4

I know I have mentioned before, but allow me to reiterate one beautiful fact that sings in my heart everyday: The way that I desired food, the way I used food as comfort, the way I placed the importance of food in my life over Christ, I ignored the fact that I made food a trinket-god before the Holy One. (hello, first commandment, anyone?!) I confessed this to my Father, and amazingly, the One who created life--the One who commands the universe, the One who is to be greatly praised--not only forgave me, but is tenderly helping me overcome this struggle so I can honor Him. And not only is He helping me overcome this battle with food, but he blesses me in the process! I am so undeserving! It makes me laugh with pure astonishment when I see the pounds falling off! It is almost like a physical way to show a small portion of what He is doing in my heart.

So are you ready to hear the total weight lost these past 4-weeks?

24-pounds! (Little editor's note here: I so wanted to type 25 here...but I can't push myself to lose weight, because then I am focusing on the weight loss, and just replacing that as a trinket-god. I am really trying to guard against that!)

Whenever I start to even try to grasp this blessing, or even the fact that I am worthy of a blessing in this situation, I just CAN'T! But I love how God is a God of GOOD...and He desires good for us.

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." --Psalm 37:4

Now, of course, don't get me wrong... I will honestly tell you that I have had two incidences where I stumbled. One was not so much what I ate...but how I ate it. I did not eat in a way that honored God at all. Which makes me go back to my point that I made at the beginning of this blog...if I were dieting...I would have not done a thing wrong! I was fine with my caloric intake, it was very healthy (tuna and half and avocado), but I knew that my heart was not in the right spot while I was eating the food. I was eating almost in a state of panic because I was hungry and was afraid that I would end up bingeing. But do you see the two emotions that I was feeding and running from? Panic and Fear. Neither of those emotions show a confidence that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." What I did in that moment is I did not put these emotions before the Lord...I tried to handle it myself. I took the hope that I have in Christ to help me in that situation, and tried to put a humanly fix on what only God can heal.

"Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge. Selah" --Psalm 62:8-10

I am so humbled by God's care for me in this journey. What an amazing God we serve!

"If you wake me each morning with the sound of Your loving voice, I'll go to sleep each night trusting in You. Point out the road I must travel; I'm all ears, all eyes before You. Save me from my enemies, God— You're my only hope! Teach me how to live to please You, because You're my God. Lead me by Your blessed Spirit..."
--Psalm 143:8-10 (The Message)


Be Still and Know...although we try, we can never fix what only God can heal.

Leaving My Egypt--Day 10!

Oh my goodness...what a crazy 10 days it has been!

I have lost (drumroll please!) 14 pounds! What so funny about it, is weight loss has not even my focus...I am really just trying to worship God in every area of my life--even in my eating...or in my case, worship Him in what I am NOT eating! I have already felt closer to Christ, my prayer life is growing (which I LOVE), and I just feel like God is just SO close. It's incredible. The transformation in my heart has been surreal. I am so calm around food, and I feel so in control. I mean, I know that I am not in control (hate to state the obvious there!), it is totally Christ's strength. It takes Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" ring so true in my life. It has always been so easy for me to "sneak or cheat" on a diet, but now that I am dealing with the root of my problem (which is sin, not my eating OR my weight)...it makes it much harder to justify sneaking or cheating on God!

It is crazy that I struggle this much with eating!

It's hard to talk about sometimes because it is embarrassing, but the more and more I talk about it, the more people are coming up to me or calling me saying that this is them too. I must have spoken to at least 10 different women this week alone about this problem (food before God, body image, etc). I feel like it just, again, proves that this is a subject that so many women struggle with, but yet, no one wants to talk about because of the shame, embarrassment, feeling like they are the only one. So I figure I am going to talk about it! Now, please understand before I go any further, I am NOT saying that anyone who is overweight or struggles with body image issues is a sinner, NOT AT ALL... I am just sharing how this became a sin for me. In fact, I had an interesting conversation with a sweet friend this week, and she said that she had never thought about food being a sin. I had to explain it's not that FOOD is a sin...it became a sin FOR ME because it was replacing God's priority in my life. I was focusing WAY too much on what I would eat, when I would eat...and then I would counter with focusing on my weight issues, whatever diet I was on, or just being angry at myself for how I look: THAT's when it became a sin for me. And because I was not dealing with the root of my sin (or my problem, as I called it before I realized the correlation it had in my walk with Christ) I was always looking for a fix, or a solution...and then those "solutions" (like crazy diets) would then become my priority and obsession...which, honestly, just replaced the object of my sin with something else. Whatever we place before God is not right...even if it is something we think is perfectly innocent. The innocence in lost when we place it at a higher priority than Christ in our lives. The only obsession I want is a crazy-obsession for Christ...and only Christ.

For the most part this has been the easiest time in my life I have ever had not eating food. I have had moment these past few days where I have thought I wanted to just EAT... whatever I want, however much I want. Eat in an ugly way that would put my love for food over my love for God. I desperately do not ever, ever want to do that again. Especially since I have confessed and come to grips with the fact that I have placed food over God...that my sweet, precious Savior, the One who I have let down is not letting me down. He has not only forgiven me for putting something as stupid as food over Him, but in His Great Compassion, He HELPS ME to stop. It makes me want to weep every time I think about it. Through prayer and submission in those crazy-momentary anxieties, He helps me through! I am also SO, SO blessed to have amazing friends that I can text and beg for prayer in those tough moments. They don't ever trivialize it, or ever let me feel I am being dramatic over a silly bag of chips, or the fact that I cannot stop thinking about macaroni and cheese... Instead, they pray. I feel their prayers. I feel His peace.

I am blessed.


Be Still and Know...it is not the nature of God to beat us down for our failures, but instead he postures us for success and freedom though His Grace and Mercy.

Leaving My Egypt-My Ugly Truth

"So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he'll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet." James 4:10

Whew. This is a tough one to even begin to type. It was hard to even say out loud and confess this to friends today. I have allowed myself to keep an ugly sin in my heart. In fact, I would even say that I cherish this sin--I don't really want to let go of it.

I love to eat. And I eat all the time. When I am happy, sad, lonely, tired, stressed, you name the main course of emotion, and I will tell you the food that I will have on the side.

I have gotten to the point that I run to food first before I even contemplate taking an issue to God. Or I will be heavy in prayer with something, while I feed my emotions with food without even giving God that chance. It is incredibly humbling to admit this...because it is just ugly.

Actually today, I had to confess that this is actually a major sin in my life. And it was really hard to verbalize those words out loud. I would even venture to say that if I analyzed this issue with a doctor or psychiatrist, they would probably say that I have an (over)eating disorder--but in God's grace to me--I know He showed me that FOR ME this is a heart disorder. This is an area in my life that I cherish the sin. To be honest, for years, I have made the choice to harden my heart to Christ in that area of my life.

I am in a mode of life that when I feel ANY sort of emotion-whether is be good, bad, tired, or overwhelmed--whatever!--I eat. And I totally eat in secret, alone and very rarely in front of people. (this is me being Eve trying to cover my sin with a fig leaf--as IF that is going to really cover anything at all!) I run to food FIRST versus running to Christ first. And a hard truth I had to confess this morning, and I don't even honestly want to type, is that in my relationship with Christ, I desire to boldly to say, "I love Jesus more than anything." But it is a lie because the ugliness of it all is I love food more than I love Jesus right now. That totally kills me to see that written out! So that is my bottom, as James 4:10 talks about: that sentence I just typed. I am sad and disappointed that I have not given my whole life over to Christ.

Galatians 5:19-23 screamed at my heart this week:

"It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage (ME!); frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness (ME!); trinket gods (FOOD FOR ME!); magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness (ME WHEN I REFUSE TO EAT IN FRONT OF OTHERS); cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants (FOOD!); a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved (MY INSECURITIES WITH MY WEIGHT/LOOKS); divided homes and divided lives (I GIVE MY LIFE TO CHRIST, AND YET ALSO AM LOYAL TO MY FOOD ISSUES); small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions (HELLO--ME AGAIN!); ugly parodies of community. I could go on. This isn't the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God's kingdom."

(AND HERE IS MY HOPE:)

"BUT what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely."

Whew. Talk about being brutally honest. So my heart prayer is now that I have confessed this...that God will breakdown this area in my life and let me fully surrender to Him. My heart is to serve Him everyday, but I need to stop feeding this sin in my life first.

My desire is not to lose weight (great if happens) or to fit into certain jeans, or even, honestly, for my physical heart to be healthy. My desire is that my heart (in terms of my relationship with my Savior) will be healthy, strong, and trimmed of unneeded fat (which is sin). I am praying that God will just honor that. I am at the point of having to pray before every meal, pray with every bite I take that God will help me stop when I need to stop...and not start when I need to turn to Him.

So I totally just laid all of this out there! I know there is probably this question of "why bare my soul and sin?" Here is why:

"Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed. The prayer of a person living right with God is something powerful to be reckoned with. Elijah, for instance, human just like us, prayed hard that it wouldn't rain, and it didn't—not a drop for three and a half years. Then he prayed that it would rain, and it did. The showers came and everything started growing again." James 5:16

I have confessed to Christ...and now I am publicly confessing, so I can have the honor of your prayers through this battle of sin in my heart. It seems silly to ask for prayers to stop eating--but really my prayer is the God will be my priority on everything I do--including my eating. That I will NOT continue to allow anything to be a barrier to what Christ can do in my life and in my heart. I want to serve God, I want to lead others to Him, I want to live passionately in Christ, and a life above reproach. And just like James 4 says...I am getting serious, really serious...by putting this all "out there" I am also humbling myself so I can be held accountable.

Be Still and Know...confessing our sins is never an act of shame when it is led by the Spirit...instead it is the first step of FREEDOM,